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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Monopoly Monday - sponosored by Electronic Arts

Has anybody else noticed that almost every Monday since the NFL announcement, Electronic Arts has dropped some sort of bombshell press release about how they are taking over this or that property or company? Today they signed up with ESPN, and starting in 2006, have exclusive rights to ESPN for use in video games. They've already taken away possible competition from arena football games. I'd wager that they don't even bother to make an arena football game. On top of Madden taking over football, they're trying to buy out a controlling stake in Ubi Soft. Of course, that one is "purely for investment reasons." Sounds to me like they're investing in keeping the competition at bay.

So, in light of EA's fondness for Monday press releases announcing major acquisitions, I've come up with a few possibilities of my own.

  1. Buy the NHL: No, they're not buying rights to the NHL, they're buying the whole league. Hockey is in trouble now, and I'll bet the price is lower than ever before. EA may as well capitalize on the league's position and swoop in for a good deal. I'm sure they'll be able to make hockey popular again.
  2. Hire Uwe Boll to make Madden: The Movie: Everybody who is anybody knows that if you're making a video game movie then Uwe Boll is the man to direct it. Expect to see instant replays to be footage of actual Madden gameplay and a shitty CG Tom Brady driving right to the end zone.
  3. Coming soon from Apple: the robotic iSim: Just imagine if Will Wright got in the sack with Steve Jobs. The result would be the iSim; a stark white mannequin that can be decorated and customized by each individual user. It's hip and has an ultra-trendy ad campaign, the public will eat it up!
  4. Run CEO Larry Probst for US President: He's certainly got the bankroll to fund a campaign. Of course there are those pesky campaign finance reform issues to get around, but based on the state of American politics, that shouldn't be too hard.
  5. Buy Microsoft: Ok, so it may take them a couple months of savings, but they'll have the money eventually.

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